You Were Raped, But Let's Talk About My Sex Life

When someone attempts to raise awareness about birth rape, birth trauma and the importance of a normal physiological birth experience, a common response from the listener is: "but interventions save lives!". It's a misconception that advocates of home (and natural) birth believe there is no place for medical intervention during birth. If critics gave the topic any real thought I'm sure they'd realise that natural birth advocates are not saying "interventions are always unnecessary and always result in trauma". At the heart of these misconceptions lies the critics' discomfort at hearing a different viewpoint. Plain and simple the ole "but interventions save lives" line is an attempt to silence conscious raising efforts of those whose voices are already muffled in the maternity system.

As a feminist and a home birther I am all too familiar with dominant voices attempting to silence the marginal. Take, for example, feminist efforts to raise awareness about the way rape is used to control women as a social group. Often this great feminist work is met with a disengaged "but men can be raped too!". Critics are outraged that feminists dare to talk about women without simultaneously talking about men. The sentiment behind such a statement being; if you can't talk about everyone at once, don't talk at all! The same dynamics are at play in discussions about birth trauma and medical interventions.

Of course birth activists know that in rare cases medical interventions are necessary and save lives. Such a statement is so obvious that it does not need to be repeated ad nauseum. Further, such a statement is utterly irrelevant to the fact that unnecessary interventions are routinely occurring in our current maternity system and leaving millions of women needlessly traumatised!

If women are silenced or ignored when they talk, about their experiences of birth rape and birth trauma then no improvement can happen in the maternity system. Raising awareness is the first step towards change, and who better to raise awareness than survivors who have first hand knowledge?

You can identify a silencer by the following traits: he or she responds to discussions about birth trauma and birth rape with:

• Interventions can saves lives
• My caesarean was necessary/fine
• The hospital staff saved my life
• The hospital staff saved my baby's life
• There's no such thing as birth rape/trauma
• At least you have a healthy baby
• At least you're alive.

While people who respond in those ways may be telling their truth, their truth is irrelevant to this particular discussion. To make my point clearer still, imagine someone having similar responses to a loved one confiding that she was date raped: "you were raped but in my experience sex can be good", or "ou were raped, but my boyfriend is great in bed!" How incredibly offensive and off topic!

Those of you who are compelled to respond to hearing about other women's trauma in these ways, pause first and reflect. Imagine for a moment that your caesarean wasn't necessary, imagine that thoughtless doctors performed unnecessary interventions on you without your consent, imagine that you had been betrayed by those you thought you could trust, imagine anxiety attacks, imagine flash backs, imagine nightmares where you re-live these abuses over and over, imagine your sex life feeling ruined or being non-existent, imagine no longer feeling safe in your own body or in your intimate relationships with loved ones, imagine not feeling connected to your baby, imagine your child's birthday being the anniversary of your assault. Once you have glimpsed into the survivor's reality you can begin to understand what an appropriate response might be.

Tips on How To Respond To Discussions About Birth Rape/Trauma

• Remember that a survivor's story belongs to them, not you!
• Fight the urge to change the topic.
• Do not make yourself or your birth story the centre of conversation.
• Fight the urge to belittle their experiences by reminding them that they are alive and that their baby is healthy.
• Think compassion, not competition!
  
• LISTEN, rather than talk.