From The BS Herald:
Doctors say hospital is 'da shit, yo!
By Sari Lang
The ACP stated that "where Australian men and women chose to eliminate is their choice". However, the position statement went on to rule out entire sections of the population from being eligible to poo at home because they are deemed too "high risk".
Despite the medical literature attesting to the safety of using one's anal sphincter at home (in fact research suggests that the privacy afforded by home toileting makes pooing easier and in some cases even pleasurable), the ACP has outlined circumstances in which it would be "contraindicated" for Australians to go to the toilet at home. These circumstances included: constipation, diarrhea, hemorrhoids, and when the age of the eliminator is over 35 or under 20. In these cases the ACP stressed the importance of transferring to hospital where registered proctologists can provide constant monitoring of the elimination process.
The position statement came as a shock to the last few proctologists operating under the illusion that their college was a separate entity from the AMB. The document read as if written by AMB members who have long sought to bring an end to home toileting, such as Dr Pesty, head of the AMB. Pesty has been quoted on several occasions claiming that the human elimination process is dangerous unless in hospital where trained staff are ready to deal with complications.
Home toileting advocates are disappointed with the statement. Sara Kurns, head of The Elimination Coalition has warned that rates of unnecessary surgery for dealing with variations of normal elimination will greatly increase because proctologists are surgeons. Kurns said that hospitals do not have the resources to provide adequate care for eliminators and as a result arbitrary time limits are placed on hospital pooers, leading to high rates of intervention, which would not ocurr in these cases at home.
Ms Jane Fraizer of the Private Poo network has declared this a human rights issue, asking "Where does it end? Eliminating is a normal physiological process which has historically always taken place at home. Next the AMB will be urging Australians to transfer to hospital to ensure safe digestion!" In response Dr Pesty declared Fraizer "a very silly girl, indeed" stating that "the issue is pooing. It is unsanitary, can be very messy and is better left in the capable hands of experts."
Stay tuned throughout the week, when we will publish anecdote after anecdote from men and women who have never taken a crap at home about how lucky they were to survive the drama of shitting in hospital.
Can you guess what happened on the Austrian birthing scene this week?
See here for a clue.